I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
