Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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