if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I need a burrito and a hug.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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