Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize