Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
