doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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