I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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