I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
