Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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