'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
