so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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