kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
