i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
