you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
