i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
