My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
