wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
