Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
