Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize