friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
