this boner is exhausting
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
