I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
