3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
