can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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