you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
