I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
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