he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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