What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
