Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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