Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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