Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
