I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
