I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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