I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
