i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
