Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
