sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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