When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
