there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
