Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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