My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
