Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
