How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
