3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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