I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
