Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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