you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
