And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
