he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Welp...herpes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
