Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
