You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i love accidental penises.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
