I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
