It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
