$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
