good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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