The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
