Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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