MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
