He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
